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Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. UGH. Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. Lets do it.). Doing great, what are you doing here? (Id definitely use this for the likely-to-request-babysitting sister, for the recordany time youre asking someone a favor, you lead with that, you dont try to trap them into it!). Why? You wonder where he'll take you. What Are You Doing This Weekend? - The Return of the Modern Philosopher Hence the claim some of your time, or even the if youre available as a way to say, you have to have solid plans if youre going to tell me no; you cant just say you dont want to do it.. How to Respond to the Question "What Are You Up To?" Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. eh, my mother does that. (Full disclosure: Whole in-law family are control freaks and this type of thing IS a setup with them. 14 "It was a riot! What are you doing?, Unless Im doing something unusual, its true; its wonderfully vague and gives no information; and I get to immediately turn the question back on the asker (which often leads to a better conversation anyway.). Are you planning something?. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Person A: Hi, how are you? Happy Weekend Wishes, Messages and Quotes - WishesMsg When Im asked that question (by people other than DD), I usually go with Why do you ask?. I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. Was he not getting back to her soon enough? If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. The only exceptions are: 1. (And if you are Susie, forget about it!). I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. I can vouch for this strategy! Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. In my case this is always 100% true because unless I literally have my calendar open in front of me I do not know what I am doing at literally any time on any day. Im still seething. Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. Sounds like hes a robot instructed to find out a fun thing the customer is doing later. If the other person isnt in a chatty mood, we go comfortably silent after a few pleasantries because the Small Talk Gods have been appeased. If theyre someone who usually only asks me to do fun stuff, I may say Free as a bird, as long as I dont have to plan on getting up too early. Im actually really surprised at how many people have expressed that they find this question neutral small talk and/or dont understand why it can feel so loaded. If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. After reading comments, Ive come to the conclusion that Ive over-generalized my preference (anxiety? I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). This breaks the meaningless exchange of localized variations in air pressure aspect of the typical greeting, and most people seem to respond favorably to having good things introduced into a conversation. I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. Its funny I dont even register the question How are you? (Ive lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to You alright? which, functionally, isnt that different. not? Youve made such a long-term investment in your child already why put the future relationship at such risk? No way. I also answer yeah, that would be great and then never hear from them again. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. On the other hand, there are the problem/dominance-related ones: 1. Cousin Charles is having a party, and I think it would be good if you showed up.. I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? 4. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. Its the best. Once we own that, and stop feeling guilty, etc., it becomes easier to seize the power, and it becomes easier to think of what we ARE going to say. My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. 3.If LW does not want to do the babysitting or isnt available for it on weekends, that should be a separate conversation with those people and maybe set of boundaries to discuss with them. I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. Crossword puzzles, chess, sudoku, or other puzzle games Cooking Travel Gardening Art, music, crafts, writing, podcasting How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. 2. You may also eagerly seize on these options and/or provide some of your own., (2) Hey, Im looking for someone to cat-sit while Im out of town for the next three months. Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. Two main reasons that I can see: 1) They want to get to know you better and talking about how you like to spend your weekend is often a great way to do that. I will have to remember, the next time I must declare myself to a new prospective partner, to offer up the alternative plan of talking about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes and then never bringing it up again. person: cool yep When I issue a soft invitation I am often not sure if the person wants to hang out at all, and getting a Yes, get in touch and let me know when youd like to do something would encourage me to go on and do the planning whereas Yeah, we really should I would be more likely to read as I dont really want to do anything. If you have a new question, start a new topic. While we're sure there are plenty more things people do for fun, these are some good hobbies to mention: Outdoors activities like rock climbing, hiking, cycling, etc. Because people look forward to the weekend, they often start talking about it as early as Wednesday. Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). Reading, learning, documentaries, podcasts, etc. Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! Thats my go-to when someone asks me what I am doing at some point in the near future. But Im not interested in any work-related socializing that eats into my personal life). 2) They are thinking of asking you to do something with them but are fishing around first because theyre afraid of asking directly right out either afraid of rejection or sometimes afraid of putting you on the spot or sometimes they just feel like it sounds too abrupt and unnatural to just without some chat first. This is OT, but if someone would like to explain how its supposed to work in the US, Id appreciate it. Theres this implication that the only reason you would ever want to say no to their request is if youre already busy, and yeah, thats annoying. If one of us is dropping the ball about getting back to you, say so. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? Its aggravating, but it makes sense. I always answer with [local Canadian area], because its 1) true and 2) not at all the answer theyre fishing for (although I sometimes? And I understand many of your points. E- Excitement. Which sometimes was fine but not always. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . I get the where are you from? question all the time. And found myself saying yes more often than I wanted to. Are you doing anything this Thursday night? whyyyy do you need to know? I dont give any indication as to what I am up to until they tell me what they are up to. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. Why, whats up?, Yessss exactly. I know its a big favor, but obviously I would pay you, and I have cable, high-speed internet, and a chocolate fountain with dark, milk, and bittersweet streams. friend/person/both: Im in the worst fucking mood and heres why. Ive learned also that its ok to be a deer in the headlights if Im caught off guard bc I can always invent something shortly after or next day and say whoops forgot I had x. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE numbers of parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, and its designed to make the adult child respond to powerful guilt buttons installed by the parent and capitulate to what the parent wants, because the adult child is programmed to believe if they dont have a good enough excuse, they have to go attend on the parent at the time in question. Depends, why?, even if said with humour, does tell the asker that I might be open, but that itll depend on the contents of the invitation. Someone responding with why do you ask? would basically make me instantly take a mental step back from that person in terms of comfort level. Though I am at the point where if my coworker invites me to Toastmasters one more time, Im just going to cheerfully say, You know, I just dont see myself ever being interested in that. (Though I dont think its likely in this case since the last invitation went something like: Hey, if youre interested, Toastmasters is going to be at [X] time and Im going to be speaking, Great, have fun with that!, I know what that means.). When she asks me what Im doing on a particular day, I just say Im not sure or I need to check my calendar until she tells me what she wants. But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. Thinking of seeing [movie]. Why insist on these parental avenues of control and dominance over another adult, when it has already harmed your relationship and can only do more harm? Are you busy? Turning oxygen into carbon dioxide. Developed with the most common customer inquiries in mind, these responses give customer service reps the power to represent your brand with uniformity, accuracy, and speed. I know this is a small complaint, in the grand scheme of things, and I usually handle it by changing the subject to something Im interested in if I *do* feel like conversing. You're still implying you have a lot going on, but you're demonstrating that you're handling it. , I am in a cat trance. He sometimes vocally wonders why other teams and departments will go out of their way to help me with things but not him, and its because I respond to their small talk rather than shutting it down and gently rebuff social overtures rather than saying No, I dont want to get to know you better or similar. You may feel uncomfortable doing this (which is their goal) but you always have the right to decline a request. And partly because, depending on exactly what one wants and what cost one is willing to pay, challenging the culture is how it gets changed. "It's happening.". I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. men. But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Most people would rather talk about themselves than anyone else, so turning the question back to them will almost always divert them from further questions about what Im doing. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? We should definetely try to avoid stealth scheduling questions. Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody Whenever people accept this answer, I know I am dealing with human beings who understand their goodness as a constant learning process. Then there is the Miss Manners rebuff, where the pitch is level until the final word is raised. Take care of your boundaries! I dont understand the point of the question. Of course, you might have said that when you know that movie will be out for weeks and youd absolutely prefer to have an excuse to build a couch cushion fort and have an audience who is actually impressed by your terrible magic tricks, and no one wins. In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. And that goes triple if youre less privileged. Instead we got stuck attending an MLM pitch. 'Hope You're Well': Emailing Through a Time of Pandemic Funny Responses To What Are You Doing Actively waiting for my problems to go away. I hate ditherers with the passion of a thousand suns. My small college town has become a lot more cosmopolitan over my lifetime, and weve got enough of an international population now that Im deeply curious about many of the customers at the store where I work. None of us see each other over weekends. We received your email and will get back to you with a (human) response as soon as possible. Why do people ask? Ive got a couple things going, do you have any plans? If theyre just curious, they can say so, if they want to invite you to something, it gives them the chance, and if you feel like engaging further, you can. You dont sound like you belong here isnt really the friendliest way to get to know someone, even if the intentions are good. It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like I dont know why shes not a foreign diplomat with all the people she can bring together. Eating. If I were any better, I'd be you. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! The Gladys response is a strategy where all anyone will ever see is you beaming at Pushy Neighbor, talking in a hugely positive way at Pushy Neighbor, and so on, but youre still getting to tell Pushy Neighbor to back the fuck off. At least once I figured out that they genuinely *didnt* need to know anything about me if they were going to behave that way I could default to oh my god Im so busy! I just want to jump in to point out that the medium of communication also matters! / Is it OK for so-and-so to tag along? (You could also just say no and keep going, but that can cause conflict with them, which you might or might not want.) Now, when someone asks, I reply, Im not sure what Ill be in the mood for. If someone responds with an offer of plans, I can then say, Nice! The hubs and I do the same. Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. Interesting. So if you say Im probably going to that new movie, they dont ask and youre not put on the spot. Thats just how some people ask I suppose. I think that with my previous friend group culture, a sorry, Im REALLY busy for the next few weeks gets taken personally as Im too busy to maintain our relationship, even though Im trying to, um, not be homeless? They dont really need the details, and wouldnt know what to do with them. Have a very happy weekend! If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. "Better days are coming. I get that youre saying you dont do this often and you see it as a minor part of your relationship. Theres also Although it can be asked in the ways LW talks about too, usually for me it is just a way of sharing life with friends and doesnt have much motivation beyond that. New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. I dont think she feels disliked; theres really not a lot of conflict for us. What is your favourite clip? Im well aware of that risk. Your kids are loud. Jackpot! But sometimes its manipulative, as LW also said. The fallout you talk about? It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. (via Shutterstock) 7. Even if its only logistically. But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. I used to preemptively dodge any potential would you like to / can you do X follow-ups by making vague allusions to being busy upfront (PASSIVE), and then Id weakly paw away their insisting that I can/should be able to do it because THEY think I have the time to. It kind of sucks to be going about your business and then people remind you that you dont fit in. Its either a soft opening for an invite or a general small talk questionand in both cases, Oh, not sure yet, how about you? is going to be one thousand percent fine. Getting up before 10:30 drinking some more beer and starting to work on my truck/dirt bike this should consume your whole Saturday until about 10:00 then you drink lots of beer and head out with your buds. Me: Nope. That sounds weird coming from you. I always just say What do you have in mind? It hasnt failed me yet! I think my own culture is more ask-y, but I had a pretty pushover personality and often felt, well, pushed around by the people around me. And Im totally ok with that. It gives you a window into each others lives and invites you to share something about yourself. It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. What to Say: "Thank you, I had a great weekend.". Like, OK, were not people who talk to each other about our lives beyond the weather and traffic, cool. )/co-workers, who usually uses the So what are you doing this weekend? as an opener to telling me all the awesome stuff theyve planned for themself for the weekend. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. Fill in the gaps using the correct form of Future Simple Tense. Lead with the actual invitation. And do you trust the asker not pull a But you SAID you were free, that means YOU PROMISED!(for me, someone who puts pressure on/pouts/lays on a guilt trip after I say no to an invitation gets an automatic LOL NOPE FOREVER response. If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. Me: Not much, maybe laundry or whatever. So she says no. I, personally, issue a lot of soft invitations because I actually dont want to go to the trouble of planning something with someone who doesnt want to hang out in the first place? And it's a great way to know what's at the top of someone's mind. Why do I feel entitled to her assistance with something I am doing for her grandmother & grandfather while she sits in her room and plays Minecraft? Its totally true that you can opt out of those things. I would much rather receive hey want to check out the Frida Kahlo photography exhibit? or are you free to take the kids for a few hours??? (And it also stopped me from being super-duper free to do alllll the weekend shifts. Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. I saved up enough to move out. 21. You can also better manage your time because you can text her at anytime you want. Its okay that my body needs time to recuperate. Ask back? How To Answer "What Do You Do For Fun?" (With Examples) Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. Her Kid: *rings doorbell* again my mum says shall we wait for you? I think theres some ask culture vs. guess culture stuff in here too? . Theyre expecting to hear seeing a movie and doing some yardwork, not reciting my social security number out loud while treating my intimate medical issues or anything else not normally shared with a crowd. If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? For example, if there were a certain number of hours per week or month that she needs to work at certain things you set, Im not seeing a problem. "I'll get back to you once I'm back from my long-awaited trip to the fridge.". If you dont want to go, just say so. I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. @Helen Huntingdon, that is good to know, re feelings and setting off yellow flags. If they want to invite me to something Im interested in and available for, I can say yes, and if its something I cant do, I can say I have other plans, etc without it sounding weird. Funny Responses to "How Are You?" (& Other Questions!) - Science of People But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. For those who are ready to stand out from the crowd, we've gathered ten hilarious out of office messages that will inspire you to raise the bar the next time you sit down to write an autoresponder. How hard is it, whats the timing, is it just for me personally (thats a favor), or is it for the greater familyHER greater family? She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. 11 Online Dating First Message Examples That Get Responses - VIDA Select Also, the teachers here will not do your homework for you. I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. You absolutely can. What are you doing - Best ways to answer this question Its not extreme when your life has several of those sharks who ask that just to trap you. 1. Here's a more thorough list of things Siri manages to do well most of the time: Making a call / Facetime. But dont try to play us off against each other. I understand how it can be othering and I never ask anyone where theyre from first. *Both of which are also used as shorthand for all the things you need to get done before you can do the thing you actually intend to do, which is often an accurate description of my evenings. It can be so hard to set boundaries with the inlaws! I have a colleaguestraight white well-employed middle-class-raised Christian cis man, so about as privileged as you can get in Americawho opts out of a lot of what he considers to be optional social stuff. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. Is it just me? LW specifically gave examples of when it happens and why it annoys them, yet dozens of people are trying to splain that this is just small talk in their part of the world. Personally, Id recommend not babysitting at all for six months to allow cousin the time to get used to the idea that LW is not cousins handmaiden, then seeing if LW can re-engage with the cousin in a mutually respectful manner. Three-day weekends would be perfect if they were just four days longer. I hate this question too because likeI dont always pick up on it! I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way).