Best Irish Jokes: Paddy Does It Again. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!" Quarrel. So the foreman takes the bet. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. His life insurance 4. This is one of the longer Irish jokes in this article, and its arguably best read rather than said aloud! Tell me, Paddy? Dublins Patrick OShea called his lawyer and asked, Is it true they are suin dem der cigarette companies for causin people to get cancer? An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered. It's an old one but certainly, doesn't disappoint. I got this done in Dublin. He parks the car and runs over to them. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasnt wearing any underwear. Hunchback!. I think Ill, Irish Dance to Ed Sheerans Shape of You. Parlez-vous Francais, he asks. 200, what do you say? After five minutes he shouted to the cop, Here! The lawyer thinks that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easilySo the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. It was offensive." The Jew pauses and replies "I guess you had to be there." . But this is a newsagents'. That does it, he shouted, Hunchback! What do you call a pig that does karate? Hurry up!" The priest says, "What about the kids?" The lawyer says, "Screw the kids!" Oh. The man was evidently offended and responded, The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness you assume Im Irish. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.'. Dats simple. FOR F*** SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!! Haha. Humor is an essential coping tool for surviving tough times. Anto and his wife were lying in bed in their house in Dublin one Saturday morning. Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way." --. When they arrived, the nurse asked, How dilated is she, sir?. After thinking for a long while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. A short, clean joke that gets a laugh every time A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. , Very well, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys. I got mine for ten thousand euros only, said Paddy. He packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. Confused, the Forman asked, dont you mean the Sahara Desert?, A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a Guinness before it starts. The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. He sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness. How did you do it! To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.. Its your water tank. Back at Mother Superiors bed, she held the glass to her lips. What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? Heres what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. Father, he confessed, it been one month now since my last confession A light bulb goes off 5. Fookin Jaysus, says the Irishman, BMW thinks of everything. Youll never do it Paddy!, So Paddy goes in and spends a full 10 minutes in the room and comes out, Fu****g hell Paddy!!! If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response. Whats the bad news? ? he replies. I have also just published 5 fresh new Irish jokes here. Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patients wife. Hello Mrs Murphy, he says, hows your husband?. Ilona Balinait. Ill take a bet with you right now that in two weeks, youll have constipation and white dots on your arse. He pinned the note inside the little dogs collar and told the dog to go straight home. LoL! How do I leave?, The desk clerk says, Sir, thats absurd. Ive had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months .., This time, the priest questioned, Who IS this Fanny Green .. ? A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. I don't have a carbon footprint. I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square. Done, the elderly woman answered. For the past 30 days,I have been sharing an Irish joke every day on my Facebook page. and would light a candle that they would have little ones. . Paddy says to Murphy, Im gonna get the day off. Youve gone mad.. Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. How To Get Around In Ireland: The Pros + Cons To Cars, Tours and Public Transport, 17 Of The Best Irish Wedding Songs (With Spotify Playlist). So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me whats for dinner? You were diddled. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors. then shouts down the stairs "Paddy, the both of them?" Mother, the nuns asked with earnest, Please give us some wisdom before you leave us. Every day he arrives in a top-spec Mercedes. Same address in Dublin, same doctor. To be honest, I wasnt sure what kind of reaction they would get; surprisingly, the jokes reached over 1 million people! He went with you to the beer factory." Paddy shook his head. Yup a McGinny ", followed by 104 people on Pinterest. ", "Denise actually, I quite like that. ir local pubs weekly raffle, and to their surprise, they each won a prize: The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. My husband purchased a world map and then . If people go past, I dont want them to see me drinking.. a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him, is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had, The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a, raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to. Oh, he died of a heart attack, says Mrs Murphy. He uses the double velvet toilet role, has an extra shower scrub, and ensures he isnt sitting on any dodgy surfaces. Antos missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child. saw a man hanging over a bridge with another mans legs in his grasp. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each mans freshly poured pint. The Quickest Way To Cork. Also please remember these are just jokes! After a while the seed started to grow more and more. Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork. He pinned the note inside the little dogs collar and told the dog to go straight home. I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: Now dont be silly dear, you know that this car doesnt have cruise control. As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Cant you please keep your mouth shut for once? The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did. As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Woman, didnt I tell you to keep your mouth shut! The garda frowns and says, And I notice that youre not wearing your seat belt, Sir. After a few days of hassle, the foreman asks him what the story is. This funny collection of friendly and good jokes, riddles and puns about sickness are clean and safe for children of all ages. Inside the bag was the following note Jaysus Man, ya frightened the life outa us, Paddy called as he caught his breath.You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! Stop! she says to him. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out. The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes, he was back knocking on the Foremans door. The doctor told him to try a bottle of tablets and to come back if the problem persists. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback. . They go SPLBLBLBLBT.. Yes, this is another potentially offensive and dirty Irish joke involving sheep. This is a massive issue when living abroad. And some people aren't missing a chance to spice up the hard . "Paddy jokes" are St. Patrick's Day favorites. A: To prevent the Irish from ruling the world! Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. I stir it in with a spoon, replied the third., What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? So, what someone deems as funny Irish jokes is subjective i.e. Pat(who had never seen an elevator before) responded. That means that this is going to be an interesting article about some of the best Irish jokes ever and that is some of the best jokes in the world. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick." Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure. The elderly woman did so with a little smile. When the barman arrived back with the pint, all of the shots of whiskey had been drunk. Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner ? Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing. You cant do that, says the Irishman. Paddy answers and replies, "How would I know? WELL spotted Craige! The other. But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?'. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. Give me a Dos Equis, por favor., The second was from Holland. So the man goes in and orders a pint of Guinness, and a gin and tonic in a cup. Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days, he said. Yep. And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldnt read? The lawyer asks the first question. The foreman shouts: Paddy, go home. Paddy replies: "I haven't been feeling meself recently." "Good!" says Seamus. Three guys - one Irish, one English, and one Scottish - are out walking along the beach together one day. I suppose that makes sense,, Well what does a woman normally drink?, OK then, Ill have a gin and tonic. ; Employee development Grow and retain your people with the only personalized solution for effective, continuous development. She just looked at the president and said, Would you like to take my bet? Certainly, replied the president. Did you hear about the Irish schoolteacher who emigrated to the USA ? JORGIE Porter looked incredible in a series of glamorous throwbacks as she contrasted her life now with before she gave birth. The doctor replies: "You only have 24 . I think Ill go back to using paper.. Irish Jokes (Short Jokes, Long Jokes, and Paddys) Paddy's Doughnuts. While Pat and his son were staring with amazement, a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button. He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running, screaming in fear. The president was surprised and asked, What kind of bets? The elderly woman replied, Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square. The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, Ya have given me a room with no exit. An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to havefailed. Miss OLeary, he says, you havent made a single payment on your new windows. No, the man replied. Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked. Knock, knock. So why cant I walk across the water, like my father, me grandfather, and his father before him? Grandma looked deep into Seans troubled eyes, looked at him with kind, benevolent eyes and said, Because they were all born in January, and the lake was frozen over; you were born in August, ye fecking eejit! Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps where youre ready there. . We decided put together a list of the 15 best Irish jokes of all time. Your mums the best shag in town! Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and sticks his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar. Five minutes later, he said, Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen,but one of the other engines has failed,and we will now be an hour late.A moment later, Ersorry about this, ladies and gentlemen, but the thirdengine has also given up, and we will now be two hours later than expected. The priest turns to the man and asks, "What do you do for a living?". Here are the best Irish jokes and one liners that I know. !, asked the patient. Having zero potatoes would leave them without any food. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house. Well says Ben, If you had what I had youd drink them quickly, too. The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. The man replies, "Well father, I ruck big men, and play with balls.". The Guinness factory 9. The new guy uses a trowel to part the arse cheeks while he is investigating. It was a good six months before he ran intoMick once again, and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. -. He climbed out 4 times to take a piss.. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, Do you think theyll serve any food on this cruise?, The second man says, I dont think so. Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says. Thats right, said the lawyer. But why are you asking? How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? The next time the train goes through a tunnel, Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.. Theres nothing to worry about, but we will be 15 minutes late inlanding at Gatwick. Here is your money .. willie right off, I will! he shouts. ? The garda looks over at the woman and asks, Does your husband always talk to you this way, Maam? Smiling sweetly, she replies. In the Sahara Forest, replied the Irishman. Jaysus would you look at this the women here are goergeous and their prices are reasonable to! Thats an on-the-spot 60 euro fine. They worked up along one street and then down the other. -24. nadnerb4ever 6 yr. ago. They found a lamp and rubbed it. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his . Paddy says, Sure, everyone is probably watching the band.. ?, Easyyy Murph, I did a shit in one corner and sat in the other!. And hes careful. asks the attendant. Posted on Last updated: December 19, 2022. Theres a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. Best Irish Joke #1. If I had known the difference between the words "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive. Did you have a favourite from this list? Still no response. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They all go He says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir. The driver says, Are you sure? He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips., A man from Cork was in with his doctor. Is that your final answer? asked Chris. [quads id=1] A girl came home from a date. I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me only 5.00 then you ask me one, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you 500.00, he says. Well when he left the average I.Q in Ireland dropped by 15% ! The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. 5 yrs. If I thought Id make money, Id gamble on two flies going up a wall. The next morning at exactly 10 oclock, the elderly woman arrived at the presidents office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the presidents testicles were square. have willies. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says. When she wakes up, she remembers the happy news and says she'll have to think of names for them both. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!, Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bars far end. Two Irish men are looking through a catalogue. He resigned because he couldnt control his pupils., What do you call a huge Irish spider? "Oh, that's OK," says the nurse. Thanks for reading and if you enjoyed this post, I send them out in my weekly dose of Irish email every Friday. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: Never mind, I found one!. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. Everybody assumes you're a seasoned drinker, border-line alcoholic. A man is only a son until he takes a wife. In Memory Of My Motherland Seamus was tending bar when a patron came in and ordered a beer and a shot. Lash it into the comments section at the end of this article! Whats the distance from The Earth to the Moon? The Irishman doesnt say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-euro note and hands it to the lawyer. Cant just take your word for it. "Who told you that?". But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. The drunken priest 2. If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a month-long quarantine, you probably should've seen a doctor long before COVID-19. Kids will laugh out loud when they hear these jokes about sickness! Submit your . Pat, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. When I was a kid, my family was very poorOne afternoon I remember my dad was preparing supper and was cutting up Onions and our whole family was crying. If I ordered a bowl of pasta would you that make me Italian? "Your brother was here and he's already named them. An old Jew dies and goes to Heaven. It got too warm in the cockpit so he switched off the fan! Did he have . There are some sick irish jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it. Paddy was envious. later Fr. The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Pat, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, A 10-year-old girl asked her Irish mother. "Forgive me father for I have sinned," an Irish girl said. If you doget offended by any of these, you need to get your noggin checked. The couple is in bed when the phone rings at two am. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him 500.00. Irish puns are so O'ffensive! Author Topic: Sick Irish Jokes (Read 11026 times) 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. Because only a few of them could pass the bar., Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher in the national school in Westport? the Irishman. God. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. "Waiter, my coffee mug is damaged.". He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. In the week before Christmas, she sauntered up to the counter and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!, Finally, Collins interrupts.