Learn sign language, its very handy. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. "We . Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. 3. Microchips. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. My funny vibes attract my happy tribe. Top 75 Funny Daily Affirmations | Committed To Myself Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks., 3. Effective pushing often involves poop. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. 270. Maybe Monday doesn't like you either. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. I woke up with some aches and pains, but I woke up. 278. I wish my wallet came with free refills. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. If youre looking for a way to brighten your day and amp up your attitude, youve come to the right place. You wanna know who Im in love with? These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. 150. 105. 27. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. 2. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. Send me the link. Charles M. Schulz And in that moment I swear I still didn't give a shit. You never run out of things that can go wrong. 37. - Billie Burke. They planet. 266. 16. 228. Make the statements about yourself and for yourself. 195. 89. We may speak different languages, but we all laugh the same. 221. Check out our funny affirmations selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. Any text will do. 3. Love your enemies. There might be affiliate links on this page, which means we get a small commission of anything you buy. I just go normal from time to time. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. My mom scolds me for no reason. Czech proverb, 261. I make a difference by showing up fully. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. Paul Ehrlich 57. I dont worry about getting older. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. 10. I intend to live forever. 174. Today, I look at my goals. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 8. 257. 61. The best way for me to appreciate my job is to imagine myself without one. Putting up with others shit isnt on my To-Do list today. 67. 168. 2. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Keep your affirmations in the present. Positive affirmations kind of set the way how your day will flow. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. 129. Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes I am so freaking awesome, I blow my own mind. 202. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. The thing is, Im still getting ready. Funny Positive Affirmations For Work. Not sure who to credit this meme to, but kudos. By waking up and repeating this mantra, you will set the tone for the day. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. 180+ Positive Affirmations For Kids To Boost Motivation And Confidence (John 14:27) 27. Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. 20. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? 162. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. 128. Trust me, your secrets are safe with me and all of my friends. 55. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full., 11. 250. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. Helen Giangregorio. Hes dreaming too. As you can see, laughter is already a powerful tool on its own. Excuse me please, I have to go hide a treasure. Funny Affirmations. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. 244. 205. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. 110. 118. Yeah, so is a grenade. 1. 62. You might use humor as a coping mechanism. 3. Laughter can help you see the humor in otherwise grim situations. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. 1. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. You can also think of your affirmations while you work, drive, do yoga, or simply enjoy time with friends. 231. 255. You dont have to be crazy to be my friend, but it helps. 8. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. 97. Actually, you dont have to imagine. You deserve it! 73. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. 116. 234. Your email address will not be published. Good morning! The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde, 5. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. 202. Leave me a if you agree! Learn sign language, its very handy. 196. 271. Also read: 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 115. 165. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. 238. I dont think thats a coincidence. I get it nowIm single because Im a superhero., See also: 140 Single Quotes For Instagram Celebrating Single Life. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? I am changing all my useless things into something productive by working on them. Socrates. Bill Murray. Read the first word again. What do I do for a living? 139. I am stepping out of my comfort zone, no matter how small the step. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. 199. I am naturally cool, calm, and collected. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. First, read the most powerful affirmations below to build a strong mind. Friday Affirmations. Stuart Turner, 247. 262. 18 Funny Positive Affirmations to Get Through Your Shitty Day Use this space for describing your block. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. The thing is, I am still getting ready. - Kyle Chandler. 26. 253. Youre not tequila., 5. 175. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. 300+ Short Positive Quotes to Brighten Your Day - PsyCat Games 18. 44. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. 169. I am already great, and I am yet to reach my full potential. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. With a cowculator. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 4. Please excuse me while I go check the plumbing. 208. - Irish Saying. I live in a loving, nurturing, safe, and beautiful world. I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. 23. Ted Turner. Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. I teach my kids good things in sarcastic ways. God's promises are here to give you perfect peace, good news, renew your strength and reveal the will of God in your life. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. Im not lazy, Im on power saving mode. 174. Youre talking to yourself. 3. 225. Laughter brings me closer to people. 147. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. Ive been doing nothing for years. Some people are like clouds. I attract the right people and repel the wrong ones. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. Theres no stopping me now. 124. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. I will smile while I still have my teeth. 108. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. Friends buy you food. 65. 104. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. Some when they enter, others when they leave. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? 178. It may feel useless but just get into it. I can always think of something funny to say. How do trees access the internet? Enjoy! 232. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. How do astronomers organize a party? -Katrina Bowden. Self-worth has nothing to do with clothing size. I thought you said extra fries. 225. 234. 72. They have shown me exactly who I do not want to be., 15. Happy Birthday.". - Bette Midler. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. 183. This is a snap. It takes so little to change your life! I overcome fears by following my dreams. I am intelligent. 82. Short Positive Affirmations "I Am" Affirmations. Funny Wednesday Work Quotes. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Using affirmations can significantly impact your outlook on life, but saying such serious statements to yourself can often make you feel silly. Just like every Monday does on Earth. "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.". East. Next up is a collection of funny affirmations that will make you love yourself more. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. I may stumble along the way, but I will get over it. Today, I am thankful for this week. It makes them so damned mad. 39. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. 269. 209. 49. Stay focused and consistent, and youll start noticing the healing powers of humor and fun. 155. Sam Levenson. I dont suffer from insanity. No matter what I look like. Need to send some positive energy your way? Swimming trunks. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. 114. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. 1. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. I would have appreciated exams if they had allowed our Pokemons and Ninjas. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. 166. "Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.". I am intelligent. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. 6. Dave Barry New year, new me. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. 186. 106. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for! Roy Lichtenstein. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know. Honolulu, its got everything. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. Even if you dont consider yourself a funny person, you should never be afraid to express your unique humor. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. 70+ Daily Affirmations That'll Rock Your World - Fun Cheap or Free Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes., 2. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. 190. 159. 1. Your email address will not be published. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Franklin Jones 126. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. Steven Wright Snowballs. 8. Its okay if people dont like me. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. 140. With a cowculator. I ve had great success using daily affirmations for my personal development. Frances McDormand, 42. 201. 62. 74. 154. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. I receive what I believe. 273. I cant make everyone happy, Im not tequila. 62 Funny Inspirational Quotes to Motivate Your Team Never test how deep the water is with both feet. I will never let anyone treat me like a yellow starburst. I have committed to being my most outstanding self. 145. Quotes that make no sense Photo: pexels.com (modified by author) Source: UGC. 251. 98. I walk in the direction of what feels good for my soul. Love your enemies. No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. - George Burns. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 160. I can't make everyone happy, I'm not tequila. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Positive Daily Affirmations for Women. "I am becoming humorous day by day.". 60. 258+ Funny & Happy Friday Quotes To Explode Your Energy A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. Can February march? Get help beating negative thinking by reciting positive affirmation every day. Hi! 275. Im not lazy, Im on power saving mode. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. 46. 159. 274. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. - Unkmown. My liver still works. ". 32. 60 Happy Friday Funny Memes Day of the Week - FunZumo 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. Life always offers you a second chance. If only common sense were more common. Discover funny affirmations 's popular videos | TikTok All you need is love. 222. 45. 199. Albert Einstein. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. Chris Rock, 256. "I receive what I believe.". To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. And a funny bone. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 223. Sincerely, yourself. 237. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried., 136. Ill keep going forward even if my pants tear off. 40. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. I honor that time. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. Laughter keeps us from taking life too seriously, and life certainly does everything it can to ensure that we take it too seriously. 265. My jokes do. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. 210. Im amusing and make the people around me happy. 219. 20 Funny Positive Affirmations for Self-Esteem Frances McDormand So far, so good. I have seen better days, but Ive also seen worse. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. "If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.". It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 9. I tell you what always catches my eye. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. Why was six scared of seven? Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. 263. 25. 172. I am grateful for all that I have. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. 210. Even if youre a skeptic, you must admit these funny affirmations really work. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. Allow your body to absorb the positivity of your words by repeating them to yourself. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. Life gives the test first and then the lesson. I wonder why spiderman narrated it the other way round. 276. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. 98. My body deserves love. 268. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 6. 184. Funny Affirmation Quotes - ShortQuotes.cc The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. 63. 187. But then again so does . 18. I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. 118. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please., 4. 40 Apology Paragraph For Her To Say Im Sorry, 80 Cute Relationship Quotes For Sweet Couples In Love, 50 Doubt In Relationship Quotes To Rebuild Trust, 75 Sad Broken Relationship Quotes To Fix Your Heartbreak, 70 Relationship Honesty Quotes On Love, Trust & Loyalty, 80 Relationship Sorry Quotes To Apologize To Your Love, 65 Disney Quotes About Family That Will Warm Your Heart, 90 Best Shrek Quotes From The Funny Ogre Movie, 80 Blended Family Quotes To Share With Your Loved Ones, 90 Female Fitness Quotes For Women Who Workout. 149. Cindy from Marzahn. In the morning, I cant get up. I stick to things until I get to my destination., 12. I am here to live to the fullest. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. In between, I am alive. 45. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. A mind is like a parachute. You were too lazy to read that number. Life does a pretty good job of keeping us stressed and worried, we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. I train my body. Its called tomorrow. 66. 99. Here's some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 102. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on how to write affirmations and the benefits of affirmations. 79. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. 145. P.D. 194. 272. 6. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. 85. 200+ Funny Life Quotes Dripping With Sarcasm And Wit - Scary Mommy Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? Go to bed with satisfaction.". And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! If you enjoyed reading these funny positive affirmations, make sure to bookmark this page for future reference, and share your favorite affirmations with your friends and family. grateful. Feel free to share with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and more to motivate them every morning. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 177. 245. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. Walking into a room and then forgetting why I am here is my daily cardio. 66. Im thinking like a proton, always positive. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. See more ideas about sarcastic, funny quotes, funny. Today I will embrace the poop. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. Hes dreaming too. 65. Every day is a gift, thats why they call it the present. Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up. 4. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 112. Or maybe, you just love cracking jokes and making people laugh. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. Exercise? All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. You can write them on sticky notes to set on your mirror, on the notes app in your phone for on-the-go encouragement, or you can simply memorize your favorites and recite . 127. Without further ado, let's look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. Everyone wants to talk with me because I am very funny. 275. 119. I believe in what's possible for me. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. I choose to stop obsessing about my body. Required fields are marked *. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. 215. 162. Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. Funny affirmation quotes funny quotes about affirmation. 38. Life always offers you a second chance. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. 111. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo.